I did indeed get several more reviews on the section I posted, and I think I've made some really good revisions based on their recommendations. We also had an interesting discussion on the etymology of curse words.
The most important part of the exercise, for me, was that people have said they were intrigued and that they were interested in my main character, even though this section was not told from her point of view. The story seems new to me again, and I feel excited to be living in that world. (as opposed to being ready to chuck the whole project just a few weeks ago) I'm going to continue in this revision vein, and hope that maybe when I reach the places where I have gaps, they will have worked themselves out. *crossing fingers*
Sadly, my most beleagured beta-reader, Chie, is now out on summer break, and as such, she won't be trapped at her computer dancing to my every whim. So I may actually have to figure out how to do this on my own. Wish me luck!